Oh hi my friends, did you appreciate springing forward this morning because I did not. I finished my first week of rehearsal and I’m feeling all sorts of things. Working on a new piece of art is always so…full. It’s inspiring and exhausting and tender and rigorous and I love it so much. But I am also trying to break some patterns I’ve built over the years. At the beginning of this week, one of my coworkers said to me that they’re looking to eliminate suffering wherever they can. This counts for life and work and everything in between. I can’t stop thinking about it mostly because it’s made me realize the places where I make things harder for myself than they need to be. I’m guessing this has to do with 1. control and 2. self worth.
On some level, I don’t trust that showing up exactly where I am is enough so I make things a little more difficult. I take on extra responsibility or feel the need to get things done that can absolutely wait. I imagine that in doing this, somehow it will show the world or myself that I’m actually good or competent or deserving. Pair that with the great unknown that is the beginning of a creative process and well, I’m in deep. Because so much feels unknown early on when you’re making a play, the need to control feels very very important. Historically this has meant a lot of attention (and none of it generous) on my physical body- restricting what I eat, exercising a lot, and obsessing about how I look.
I’m working on it. I’m working on connection instead of isolation. Sharing my feelings instead of staying in my own head. Asking for help. Understanding that my expectations for myself are sometimes unreasonable and unattainable. And when I feel myself slipping into old patterns I’m trying to just notice them and to see what happens if I direct my energy towards compassion instead of judgment.
Okay let’s get to it.
Listening
I only have one recommendation this week and it’s this interview with Ada Limón. I’ve read her books of poetry The Hurting Kind and The Carrying and she is one of my favorite favorite poets. For years, I was never really interested in poetry. I thought of it as inaccessible or like it was written for people smarter than me. But something happened in 2020 when our world sort of turned upside down. I was looking for meaning or understanding and poetry was so comforting. There’s a section of this interview where Limón tells the story of receiving an email from NASA asking if she’d write a poem to be engraved on their Europa Clipper Spacecraft, which will be launched to the second moon of Jupiter in October 2024. It is incredible.
Wait, I actually have one more. I’ve been listening to this Cat Power Sings Dylan concert. I love her. And Bob Dylan’s songs.
Eating
I’m eyeing this Bon App Coconut Lentil Soup, this Hot Halloumi Bowl from Carina Wolff’s substack and this Lemony Shrimp and Bean Stew from the NYTimes. Also I’ve been going out for lunch most days and I’m obsessed with the tuna salad sandwich at Daily Provisions and the roasted tomato soup at Ole & Steen.
Watching
My husband John and I just finished Mr. & Mrs. Smith and very much enjoyed. Mostly because of Donald Glover and Maya Erskine. It did make me want to go back and watch Pen 15 and Atlanta all over again. We also just started season 2 of Life & Beth.
Washing your Face
The main reason I hate wearing makeup is because I loathe taking it off at the end of the night. However, I started using this micellar water and it’s very good at removing makeup and way better for the planet than wipes . I use this face wash when I’m in the shower and this fancy one (which is ridiculously expensive) at night when I’m wearing makeup on a show and need my skin to not get totally wrecked. Have you heard of this site? It lets you enter an expensive skincare product and matches you with a cheaper dupe. I’m very curious.
Planetary Dressing
This week six people in our rehearsal room were all wearing the same color on the same day and we had a talk about how/why that happens. I notice it in exercise classes too. Then I saw this on the Chani.app chart and laughed. But I maaaaay try it this week
Water Bottles
I’m currently obsessed with this baby. It’s huge but it’s easy to clean and keeps the water cold. And I used this one for years which feels like a smaller cheaper version.
Okay, that’s all for this week. Here is your poem. Of course it’s Ada Limón and it’s going to space.
Let’s try to eliminate suffering and “call out through the dark” when we can this week. I believe in us.
Take Care Of Yourselves,
Celia
Celia, what a joy it is to read your posts. It feels like an intimate conversation with a trusted wise girlfriend. I so relate to needing to break the pattern of taking too much on (especially when I’m on a new journey!). Thanks for the gentle reminder to be kinder to myself. Oh, and the Lemony Shrimp and Bean Stew has already became a delicious (and fast!) staple in our home.
Best. ❤️