Sunday #20

End Of Life Doulas, Vivek Murthy, Food Budgets, and Cute Sheer Socks

Hi my friends. It’s been grey and rainy and cold in NYC and this weekend finally brought some sunshine which has felt very very helpful.

I’ve spent this past week trying to memorize the TED Talk I’m giving next Friday in Ann Arbor. It’s called The Art Of Dying and I’m going to try and convince a bunch of college students that contemplating their own death can bring them into greater alignment with how they want to live. I’m excited and nervous. When I signed up for the End-Of-Life Doula training in 2022 through an organization called Inelda I had no idea where it might take me. I knew that if I got to keep living, people were going to keep dying and I thought it might feel good to have some tools to help friends and family through that process. Surprisingly, I’ve used the tools from the training in all kinds of ways I didn’t expect- coaching people through conversations with aging parents. Helping them talk to their parents about legacy and how they want to be remembered. I’ve also led workshops with artists about creativity and how building a life that we can feel proud is the greatest creative act of all. We’ll see where else it takes me but I feel really lucky to get to give this talk. If you want to watch the livestream you can do that here around 8pm on 2/9.

Listening

There is a really amazing interview with Surgeon General Vivek Murthy and Duke’s Basketball coach Jon Scheyer. I first heard Murthy talk here about the lonliness epidemic in early 2020 and was so moved by his vulnerability and articulation of what he perceived was going on. I have been a big fan ever since and this episode really cemented that. Murthy talks about finishing his first stint as surgeon general and how he’d neglected so many of his friendships and felt too self conscious to reach out and reconnect when that job ended. He emphasizes the difference between having friends and experiencing friendship. He tells the story of the Okinawan concept of a Moai where parents form a group of young kids from different families and tell them - from here on out these are your people, they will have your back and they’ll be there for you no matter what. If someone has financial hardship you’ll help them out, health problems you’ll be there, need support with life decisions you’re the sounding board.

He talks about going on a retreat with two good friends and when they were saying goodbye how they hoped they’d get together soon but in his gut he knew they wouldn’t and proposed a Moai for their friendship. It is so moving to listen to him talk about the way he and his friends engage with one another. They made a pact to talk once a month over video or in person about what mattered to them-to share about their health and finances and families, He says it’s totally changed his life. Having a young boy, I really want to introduce this concept of male friendship and how powerful it can be.

And then he talks about the 5-for-5 connection challenge he’s created as Surgeon General. I’ve been doing it for the past two days and I think you should too.

For 5 straight days you have to reach out to a different person and either

1. Express Gratitude

2. Offer Support

3. Ask For Help

So easy. But so meaningful. I’ve asked for help and expressed gratitude but I still need to offer support. I think he’s amazing. Here’s a little seven minute pep talk he gives to promote connection.

I also really appreciated this What Next podcast episode with Rev. Jeff Hood who’s a pastor, theologian and anti-death-penalty activist. He goes into the rooms with prison inmates as they are being executed. Alabama just became the first state to carry out the death penalty with nitrogen gas and Hood was there. It’s a hard episode but there is humanity in every corner of it.

Reading

Have you all read The Receipt over at Bon Appetite? It’s a series documenting how people eat and what they spend doing it. Each food diary follows one anonymous reader’s week of expenses related to groceries, restaurant meals, coffee runs, etc. It’s a fascinating study of how people from different cities, with different incomes, on different schedules—are figuring out their food budgets.

Following up on my phone addiction despair from last week, I found this wirecutter article that I thought was helpful. It outlines some tips for cutting down on your smart phone use. Including buying one of these.

Cuuuuute

I got these as a birthday present and they are the perfect winter candle to bring in some brightness.

I am jumping on these when they go on sale.

I am wearing this Rent The Runway dress to a gala on Monday and I’m real excited about it.

Finally

Here’s your poem for this week. (Substack keeps messing up the formatting of the poetry and so I’m going to link this one.)

“Winter Songs” by Conor Kerr

That’s all for now. Try that 5-for-5 Connection Challenge. Experience friendship if you can. And most of all, take care of yourselves.

Celia